Masturbration

Not to go into too much detail on this, but for a pundit who I agree with on most issues, Thomas L. Friedman rubs me the wrong way like few can.

First off, he’s got a brand of smarm that I’m no where near articulate enough to describe– all I can say is that every time I read his column, my skin crawls. If you hate his writing for similar reasons but can’t resist reading his column every once in while because it’s on an interesting subject, then I’m sure you’ve noticed a particularly annoying aspect of his writing: the man constantly tries to create new Thomas L. Friedmanisms.

Thomas L. Friedmanisms are his own quirky, always forced, attempts at coining new terms for trendy bullshit in the modern world (e.g. Global Weirding). He’s like a modern day Ben Franklin without the hookers, alcohol, or impact on anything.

So, to kick off the blog (and to kick a lumbering corporate giant while it’s having a bad week), let’s go the NFL. This week’s Poorman’s Thomas L. was inspired by the Detriot Lion’s Stephen Tulloch (the Huffington Post fully sums up the incident and meme here) who in celebrating a sack, blew out his ACL.

In today’s world where there is so much doom and gloom in the news, some times you just need to pat yourself on the back. If your having a hard time finding people who want go out and have a good time while giving you the kudos you deserve then you need to find the time to celebrate you and your greatness; it’s not just a celebration that you require– because as you may have noticed celebrations aren’t always for you:-(  — but ‘Masturbration’ is what you really need!

Figurative Masturbration

Though Tulloch’s case is obviously masturbration gone terribly wrong, it does capture a special kind of celebration that’s out there today. When you play a professional team sport, some times its really hard get the credit you deserve, I mean there are 10 other guys out there and only 80,000 spectators to cheer all of you on. That’s why when you slam that QB down you need to make it clear that the greatness in that big play was all you (and definitely not your teammates). And who knows how to celebrate what you did, better than you? That’s why you need to masturbrate for everyone to see. Why not do a back flip, nothing could go wrong there- plus that contract is guaranteed, right? Oh wait, maybe keep it simple if you’re in the NFL…

But it’s even more important to show how much you truly believe your the best when you’ve just shown your the best by winning it all. There’s nothing quite like the masturbration that goes on when a guy wins a Grand Slam in tennis, but the ego stroking that went on after Andy Murray’s 2012 Wimbledon loss to Roger F. was about as good as it comes. It wasn’t just Andy and Roger that got to express how awesome they really thought they were– the whole UK got to gratify themselves for just being that darn humble– this was epic masturbration on the level of a nobody’s home.

Literal Masturbration

You spank it after getting a Final Jeopardy question right.

Next Week: Winnovation